Boundaries

Space can be a beautiful thing.

 
I'm sitting here in a small room in Louisville. I am alone so I am forced to face myself. I have been thinking and praying and reading and writing. It has only been a week, but I have already begun to process through so many feelings and emotions that I could once easily ignore with all of the distractions at home.

 

Tonight I am studying boundaries. I have come to the realization that giving too much has burned me out. So I am trying to learn how to set healthy boundaries again. The timing is just right because I am in a major period of transition. My relationships are changing, responsibilities are ending, and I am challenging myself to more intentionally focus on me.  Someone that has recently become near and dear to me brought to my attention that I often help others at the expense of myself, and it shows. Having someone that is willing to tell you the truth with love is priceless.

So in my reading tonight I came across a passage that was just confirmation of something that I heard in a totally unrelated podcast that I listened to while walking by the water this past summer. It read,

 

"Sometimes physically removing yourself from a situation will help maintain boundaries. You can replenish physically, emotionally, and spiritually after you have given to your limit, as Jesus often did." 

 

Day by day, the longer I am here...I feel that happening slowly but surely. Later in the text I read,

"The Bible urges us to separate from those who continue to hurt us and to create a safe space for ourselves. Removing yourself from the situation will also cause the one who is left behind to experience a loss of fellowship that may lead to changed behavior."

 

Wow.

 

There are so many thing that I've held inside of me, that are still patiently waiting to be processed through my writing. Things that I've held on to since 2008. So now, slowly but surely, I will pour it onto the page.

 

Welcome to my inner world.

 

Most Sincerely

 

Just Me...Monica Marie 

 

Beautiful Minds

Beautiful Minds...
...Much like jazz... they have no rhythm or no rhyme

Unexpected improv patterns
Impromptu peaks, plateaus and valleys

I even dig the darkest places
Like cognac and live blues in sexy night spot spaces

Tucked into a cozy booth
Where shadows hide your inner truth

Thoughts come in waves of depth and intensity
Much like the soul stirring bass of R&B

And ideas come and go in droves
Few settle in to make themselves at home

Yeah, your mind is like sweet music
And I love the way you use it

Not of sound mind some might say
But I love all of the sounds you play

An infinitely intelligent instrument
Playing wisdom and words and wondrous whit

I see you...
And I get you
Unlike most mere mortals do

I hear you... mentally
No need to explain verbally

Beautiful... dangerously
Exuding and executing creative mastery

I'm so attracted to your mind that I can't get you out of mine...

Perhaps because your mind is a reflection of my own
And seeing how you think let's me know I'm not alone.

Runaway Bride

So...I could be married by now...If I wanted to be...but I can't help but wonder if the hold up is me...

"I would be patient, kind, faithful and true...to a man who loves music, a man who loves art, respects the spirit world, and thinks with his heart..."

I heard these India Arie lyrics today (from her song, I am Ready for Love) and I thought, "Yeah, that's all I need to make me want to settle down..." But is that REALLY my truth?

Well, the truth is that if I TRULY wanted to be married by now...I could be... My last two official boyfriends (I had a few complicated situations in between) had rings on the lay away...but I left both of them...because I messed up. See, we always think that it's the man who is the "dog" and the woman who is the victim...but that's not always the case. Am I a runaway bride? I just run before the engagement or proposal actually happens...

People, men in particular, always ask me, "WHY are you still single?" or, "WHY aren't YOU married?"  My answer always USED to be, "Because boys are stupid!" LOL. But after a few conversations from some of my male friends that are in relationships, my answer has recently shifted to... "Because boys are stupid, and the good ones are with stupid women!"

You see, it seems as if, when we have something good, we take it for granted. It seems to be very difficult for us all to cherish a good thing when we have it. Why is that?

I was listening/watching the On the Go with Tiffany Patton radio show today on Urban Nation Radio. Her guest, Author Linda Dominique Grosvenor-Holland, said a couple of things that resonated with me...

"There is someone that is designed to plug into your purpose in life."  That's what she had to say about soul mates. Do you believe in soul mates?

She also said, "BE what you desire in a mate."

SIGH.

So now, as of the month of August, I have just been focusing on loving me as hard as I love on everyone else, especially those that I am in a relationship...or situationship with...

Everyone says that loving yourself first, and best, is the key to a healthy and lasting relationship...so I guess I should finally, TRULY give that a try huh? So, that's why I have dubbed August, my #SummerLoveTour...the month where I focus on me and everything that I love, and loving on me as hard as I love on everyone else. Believe it or not, it's easier said than done...but I'm giving it my best try. :)

So we shall see how it all pans out.

In the meantime I'm having a whole lot of fun surrounding myself with people and things that intrigue me...and it feel SO good. I am on a natural high every day.

Perhaps soon, I will find the love of my live, but in the meantime, that love is ME. :)

The Artist Date (Momentum for Your Muse Series Part 2)

Momentum for Your Muse Series Part 2 

This, Momentum for Your Muse series is designed for writers, but it can apply to any artist  or business person because creativity is a major ingredient that is necessary in all that we do.

 The Artist Date

 “How vain is it to sit down and write when you have not stood up to live.” – Henry David Thoreau

In the book, The Artist’s Way, the author, Julia Cameron suggests that once a week we take ourselves out on what she calls an Artist Date. An artist date is an outing that serves the purpose of sparking your creativity.  This date does not have to cost money, but it should add value to helping refresh your mind so that you can create. Below you will find some suggestions for artist dates on a budget. 

Cultural Arts Experiences

Visit your local museum. If you live in the Detroit area, I suggest doing the tour at the Motown Museum or the tour of the And Still We Rise exhibit at the Charles H. Wright Museum of African American History. Did you know that if you live in Wayne, Oakland or Macomb counties that your admission to the Detroit Institute of Arts (DIA) is free?  If you are a Bank of America customer you can visit the Motown Museum, the Henry Ford Museum and other places for FREE on the first weekend of every month.

Regardless of your region, there will always be art. Pay a visit to your local museum or art gallery and just sit back to wait for and watch the mental magic that will occur. 

Movies and Music

Do you remember the dollar show? Well we still have one in Warren, Michigan called Cinemark 16. The price has hiked up to a whopping $1.50, BUT they have specials for children, seniors and the first show of the day.

As for music, I often enjoy my favorite local jazz/funk/neo-soul fusion band for free at various venues around that city. Live music just does something good for the soul.

Nature and Architecture 

No matter where you live, there is usually some beautiful park, body of water or natural scenery that you can enjoy. My park of choice is Belle Isle in Detroit where I walk the perimeter (5 miles around so it’s a great workout too) and enjoy the view of the water and wildlife.  When it’s colder I like to drive along the shore headed East on Jefferson Avenue, passing through several small cities while enjoying the water to my right and big, beautiful homes to my left.

These are just a few suggestions to get you started. This week (and every week hereafter) I challenge you to visit a venue that will ignite your creativity. 

If you haven’t done so already, check out part 1 of this series where we talk about making mental space. Next week we will discuss how to set up your work space and environment in a way that will motivate your muse.

Don't Complain...Take Action!

Over the past few days I have read post after post on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram filled with anger, sadness, frustration and despair surrounding the Trayvon Martin case and the Zimmerman verdict. The posts that resonated with me the most were the ones that encouraged or challenged us to take action. So I gave it some thought..."What immediate action could I take?" I realized that there is certainly a need for motivation, inspiration and encouragement during this sad time, so as a result, I have made both of my motivational eBooks, "Monday Morning Motivation" and "Momentum" free. Please download them (by clicking on the titles), read them and share them with someone who you know that needs a lift. 

Complaining is easy and it often leads to very little if any change or results. This week I encourage you to identify a way that you can take action that will make a difference, no matter how large or small.

My Summer of Music

Before the Jill Scott Concert

The best part of the concerts that I attended this summer was not so much the music as much as the time spent before and after the events with my concert companion. We made an event of each concert, so every one of them was so much more than just a show. We created our own little mini before and after parties to supplement all of them.

The first concert was more of a pre-summer kick off in May. We went to see the group Foreign Exchange which we didn’t really know about until my best friend made us aware of their unique style. Even though we weren’t very familiar with the group before we came to the show, we enjoyed it immensely and have been fans ever since. What made it so cool was that the concert was in somewhat of a non-traditional venue in Detroit, The Magic Stick. The downstairs is a bar/restaurant/bowling alley type deal and the upstairs is the space where they performed. It was spacious with an outdoor patio, a bar and plenty of open space to stand in front of a stage that wasn’t so far removed from the crowd and seating around the perimeter. The entire environment had that eclectic feel that I love with vintage furniture and cool artwork where the room has just as much if not more personality than the people in it.

At the Jill Scot Concert

The band really made it entertaining by making some of the music relevant to the city, even going as far as singing their own rendition of the slightly hot mess of a song that doesn’t truly represent the spirit of Detroit, yet has been made popular on You Tube, “It’s so cold in the D”. The rest of their music was a funky and enjoyable mixture of hip hop, neo soul and R&B which gave me and my hot date the opportunity to show off our ballroom dance skills. This gave it a feel of being more than just a concert by more like a comfortable gathering of great friends.

The next concert was Jill Scott’s Summer Block Party at DTE Energy Theater which also featured Anthony Hamilton, Mint Condition and DJ Jazzy Jeff. We got off to an early start for this concert stopping off in Royal Oak for a great deal that we got on sushi by purchasing a Groupon coupon in advance ($7 for $15 worth of food and drink. I love Groupon).

We ate much faster than we thought we would and ended up getting to the venue an hour early. Since we had time to kill we got drinks from the vodka bar, then we found our way into the Starlite Club which is a restaurant and bar that patrons can enjoy before and after each concert. This was a nice touch because it was much better than having to sit in the somewhat uncomfortable pavilion seating as we waited for the concert to start. The concert was amazing, but our little pre-party in the lounge was the best part. Even though we’d already had dinner we decided that we had more room to enjoy a flat bread pizza with fresh mozzarella and tomato which we savored as we popped a bottle of pinot grigio and enjoyed stimulating conversation. The juicy topics of conversation, pizza and wine coupled with the excitement and anticipation about the concert made for a very memorable experience.

The Lamb Chops at Mosaic

The final concert of the summer was a Wednesday Night Jazz Series Concert in Chene Park which featured Jonathan Butler and Maysa. These concerts are a great and affordable date for anyone that wants to do something different and romantic because the pavilion tickets are only $15 and the lawn seats are even cheaper. We preceded the concert with another Groupon at a restaurant in Greektown called Mosaic. We got $50 worth of food and drink for only $20! The atmosphere and ambiance of the restaurant was very sexy and we enjoyed tasty calamari, lamb chops and filet mignon. As always the conversation was great and we finished just in time to make it to the concert to enjoy the smooth sound of Maysa who was the opening act. When she was done singing we decided that we were tired so we slipped out of the concert early to kick of the after party at my loft.

At the Maysa Concert

This was the best part of the night in that we enjoyed great music (coming full circle by listening to Foreign Exchange), chocolate covered pineapples prepared by Yum Delish and another bottle of Pinot. Again, the conversation was the best part of it all and the perfect end to the night and a wonderful summer of music.

There’s just something special about the excitement of preparing for a concert. From picking out the right outfit, accessories and hairstyle to making plans for dinner before and drinks after…it is a joy that goes beyond the music.

Finding Balance: Love Versus Life

Sometimes when we find love, we lose ourselves.   We meet that amazing individual and before we even know what hit us we have suddenly disappeared inside of a serious relationship.  We disappear because we have begun to neglect our friends, our professional business, our family and often times even our health.  Ladies, think about your last long term relationship?  How did it affect your weight?  I know for me, I tend to gain ten to forty extra pounds when I settle down because we spend so much time eating and laying around enjoying each others company that any focus on fitness seems to fly out of the window. Ultimately, we get to a point where we struggle to find a balance between the love and living a healthy and productive life as an individual.

 I’ve always had a hard time with this, but I came to realize that much of the problem was that I hadn’t taken a good enough amount of time to know, love and commit to myself.  As a result, it was easy to pour all of my love into someone else.  Now that I have taken the time to love me first, I’ve found that I love others in a far more health way.  Even still, a new challenge has risen to the surface.  In an effort to avoid backtracking or resorting to my old ways, I found myself avoiding relationships altogether.  I tried to convince myself that I just wanted to be single so that I wouldn’t risk falling into that same unbalanced pattern again.  Just when all of these jumbled and confusing thoughts threatened to overwhelm and consume me, I took a break from my hectic existence to watch the movie, “Eat Pray Love.”

In the movie, based on the book by the same name, a woman my age finds herself in the midst of a marriage and a life that is no longer fulfilling. In an attempt to find her joy, she leaves all that she knows for a year and takes a journey of self-discovery.  On that journey she focuses on learning and loving herself by placing herself in new environments with new people and spending a lot of time in prayer and meditation.  As she nears the end of her journey, love finds her and initially she runs from it feeling that it might cause her to lose that balance that she worked so hard to attain.

Just when she is prepared to walk away from the love, a wise teacher that she met along the way reminds her that "losing balance for love is a part of living a balanced life." In all of our struggles to get it all right and to have it all figured out,... let's not lose sight of what's really important…Love.

Rejection Reloaded

"I'm and artist and I'm sensitive about my - - - -"  - Erykah Badu

I’m pretty darn confident.   But every now and then I get a pretty hard blow that darn near knocks me off my little personal pedestal.  This past summer I made the decision to pitch my latest self-published novel, “Swag” to a few major publishers.  I really believed in the work and felt that I had grown quite a bit as a writer since the last book that I released (“Floss”).  

The first correspondence that I got from one of the publishers was favorable.  They were interested in my work and requested for me to send the entire manuscript.  That felt good.  Then, two of the other publishers sent me rejection letters within a week of one another.  The first one was cool, because they said my book wasn’t a fit for what they were looking for and they sent some amazing resources to help me improve my writing skills.  The last one that I received said that my writing wasn’t strong enough.  That stung.  

I love and welcome honest feedback, whether it’s good or bad, but that made me start to wonder, is writing books, really what I am supposed to be doing?  It made me second guess myself, which I don’t do often.  I mean, I absolutely love all things that have anything to do with reading, books and words, but does that mean that I am supposed to be an author?

“Perhaps I’m just supposed to be a literary personality or socialite,” I thought.  Perhaps someone like a Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton of the Literary Industry.  Not necessarily having the skill or talent, but just as popular and paid as the accomplished and skilled actors, musicians and other entertainers….

But God…

Swag was released over a year ago, yet just this past week, out of nowhere,  I began hearing from readers whose opinions I really respect, about how much they enjoyed Swag and how they cannot wait for the next installment (“Intrigue”).  They didn’t know what I was going through.  They didn’t know that I had begun to doubt if this was really what I was supposed to be doing.  They didn’t know that their honest opinions came right on time…at a time when I needed them most...  

So to all of my readers:  I really appreciate you.  Thank you for being the conduit for my confirmations.

"INTRIGUE" a novel by Monica Marie Jones

Intrigue by Monica Marie Jones (The Third Installment of the Floss Series)M

Dionysus Staves has turned her life around. Once a heartless vixen that used men to get what she wanted, she’s now a well-known and successful entrepreneur in the entertainment industry. Just when she finally feels that she has control of her future, Abel Harrington unexpectedly re-enters her life.  He too has made some major changes, the most shocking change being his transformation from a man that played just as hard as, if not more than, he worked to a pastor.

Both Dionysus and Abel have a presence about them—the looks, the personality, and the status—that is so powerful all they have to do is enter a room and everyone is instantly drawn to them in some way.  Once their paths cross again after years of no contact, it is only natural that they are drawn to one another.

Now that Abel has answered his calling and Dionysus has left her sordid past behind to become a successful business owner, how will this magnetic and addictive aura that they emit affect their career paths and their relationship?

Will Dionysus be able to let go of her feelings of inadequacy based on her indiscretions of the past and be open to the idea that she does deserve good things?  Will Abel be able to ward off all of the forward advances from the women of the church and the pressure to find a virtuous woman to take as his wife?

Can Abel and Dionysus put aside the pain of the past and the pressures of the present in order to take a chance on love?

    

One Breath...

Sometimes I feel I fall one breath short of living.

Suspended in a state of destructive thoughts and feelings.

When you live inside of your head, how do you survive?

Smothered by thoughts and emotions that you’ve always tried to hide.

A dark place with very little air.  It’s like you’re drowning in a pool of self imposed despair.

I need light…sunshine to be exact…to thrive.
If I stay inside of this cognitive cave I won’t make it out alive

Holding On To Hope...Hoping to Hold On

Am I holding on to hopelessness?
Making you out to be something that even you can’t see?

It’s not you…it’s me
Trying to make you into what I want you to be

When all that you can be is you
And until you are ready, there’s really nothing I can do
To make you want to stay
The tighter I hold on, the more you pull away

The only way to have you, may be to let you go
So we can have the space and time that we both need to grow

Name Recognition Vs. Knowledge: Popularity and The Political Process

There are two subjects that I almost always shy away from debating…Religion and Politics. There is rarely a winner in such debates and the discussions are often fueled by fiery emotions.

Recently I attended a luncheon for an advisory board that I sit on where the topic of discussion became Detroit politics. I was the only Detroit resident in the room and I simply sat by quietly and took notes.

Sadly, it seemed that the rest of the non-Detroit residents were far more versed than I on the subject. This leads directly to the point of this blog…Do we tend to vote based on name recognition and popularity or the knowledge and experience of the candidates?

I’ve heard more than two people say that if Kwame Kilpatrick ran for Mayor again tomorrow..He would probably still win or at least get a ton of votes.

There are many factors that contribute to the success of campaigns that have little to do with the experience and knowledge of the candidate. These factors include the message, the money and the mindset.

The message is how the candidate and the press package and sell their product. It’s those things that they promise, their platform and what often determines their popularity.

Before we, the people, can even get the message, there must be money. Where there is more money, there is a better chance of that candidate not only making sure that their message is heard loud and clear, but I’m sure that campaigns who raise the most money have a direct correlation to candidates that win.

Even beyond the message and the money is the mindset of the people. The voters often lack the knowledge of not only the track record and experience of the candidates, but also the political process in general. We are finally beginning to get out and do what our ancestors fought and died to get the rights for, but we still have more work to do. We not must only make sure that we are educated but we must hold ourselves accountable for educating others.

These are just my thoughts….you take it from here.

He's Just Not That Into You: Our Point of View

Those of you that know me well know that I love to write and talk about love, relationships and men. This past weekend my girlfriends and I got together and had a dialogue with some gentlemen on several related subjects. The question was posed, “How do you know when a guy is just not that into you?” There’s already been a book and a movie released on the subject, but we wanted to hear it straight from the mouths of the type of men that we encounter every day. Here is what they had to say…

A man is just not that into you if…

1. He doesn’t call or text you. Of course, men who have careers or are involved with their community may very well be busy. But the truth of the matter is that everyone usually makes time for what or who they are interested in, no matter how busy their schedule is.

2. You are a 7 or higher and he still doesn’t make time for you. We usually rate people on a scale of 1 to 10 based upon looks, personality and an array of other factors, with 10 being the highest score. Thus, anything in the range of 7 or higher is quite favorable. So the point here is that if you’ve got it going on and he STILL doesn’t make you a priority…He’s just not that into you.

3. Excuses. This one is rather self explanatory. If he’s constantly making excuses as to why he cannot spend time with you…He’s just not that into you.

4. He doesn’t return your calls or text messages within thirty minutes to an hour. This is a tricky one because I know that there are times when a man may be in a meeting, or performing on stage, or doing something that lasts longer than an hour where they may not be able to get away to return your call. But for the most part, if his failure to return your call or text within that time frame happens more often than not…He’s just not that into you.


5. He does not ask about or is not concerned about your personal life. When someone is interested in you, it is also extremely highly likely that they are interested in the things that are going on with your life. Things such as your career, your family, how you are feeling, what you are doing and the like. If he never asks questions about your personal life, or shows little to no interest when you share things about yourself…He’s just not that into you.

These five points are based upon the opinions of those that were involved in the conversation, but you must admit that overall, they make a whole lot of sense. I’d love to hear your thoughts about the existing points or other red flags that you’d like to add to this list. We will discuss what to do (and what not to do) when he’s just not that into you in a follow up blog.

The Power Couple

In this day and age where the divorce rate is high and the chances of finding that one true love seem to be low, the power couple still prevails. What does it take to be a power couple? Who comes to mind?

Our President and First Lady are definitely the poster children for the perfect power couple. Each of them has created their own solid presence as individuals yet they are an even stronger brand as a team. With any team that has been dubbed a power couple, autonomy is key. Autonomy is defined as a strong sense of self or independence. For instance, if my man is often known and referred to as, Monica Marie Jones' boyfriend then that relationship would not be what I consider as power couple. Each party in the couple should have a distinct and unique identity of their own.

Another component to being a successful power couple is to be intentional about planning for quality time in the midst of the cooperative hustle and grind. A power couple must know how to have a balance between romance and business. Even President Barack and First Lady Michelle Obama have a specified date night as well as an alternate night if the scheduled night has to be missed for any reason.

Next, an ideal power couple must have the capacity for what actors and actresses refer to as give and take. This means that they complement one another perfectly. One party should have strengths in areas that prove to be a challenge for the other.

When it comes to the woman in the relationship a phrase that is often used in hip hop culture comes to mind. “A ride or die chick”. This essentially means that the woman supports her man and has his back no matter what.

On the flip side, Destiny's Child said it best when they sung, "I need a soldier, someone who can stand up for me…" I might speak for myself when I say that I love a man that makes me feel protected, taken care of and that would go to war for me if need be, but I'm sure that there are many other women out there that would agree.

There are countless other traits and characteristics that define a modern day power couple, but autonomy, give and take, intentionally planning for quality time in the midst of the cooperative hustle and being that ride or die chick or that soldier are pertinent. What do you think it takes to make the perfect power couple?

Emotional Exploration

What do you consider as cheating on your mate? A kiss or other physical act shared with someone else is usually the first thing that comes to mind. But what about your significant other connecting with another person on a deeper level? Is that acceptable as long as they don't sleep with someone else?

What would you rather: another man or woman having your spouse or partner's body... or their heart?

Emotional exploration is a term that I heard used on my favorite station, Oprah Radio. It’s the idea that although one may not be stepping out physically they are instead making a connection to someone else emotionally.

You open yourself up to emotional exploration when you spend quality time, usually in the form of in depth conversation, forming a bond that is beyond friendship which hovers in the realm of attraction.

Society as a whole has become so desensitized to the act of sex that often times it holds no sacred or sentimental value. Hence when a man or woman cheats and says, "It was just sex, she (or he) didn't mean anything to me." They probably really mean it.

So now it seems that the real trouble lies in your lover making that deeper connection with another.

What do you consider cheating? What would you choose…physical deception or emotional exploration?