Boundaries

Space can be a beautiful thing.

 
I'm sitting here in a small room in Louisville. I am alone so I am forced to face myself. I have been thinking and praying and reading and writing. It has only been a week, but I have already begun to process through so many feelings and emotions that I could once easily ignore with all of the distractions at home.

 

Tonight I am studying boundaries. I have come to the realization that giving too much has burned me out. So I am trying to learn how to set healthy boundaries again. The timing is just right because I am in a major period of transition. My relationships are changing, responsibilities are ending, and I am challenging myself to more intentionally focus on me.  Someone that has recently become near and dear to me brought to my attention that I often help others at the expense of myself, and it shows. Having someone that is willing to tell you the truth with love is priceless.

So in my reading tonight I came across a passage that was just confirmation of something that I heard in a totally unrelated podcast that I listened to while walking by the water this past summer. It read,

 

"Sometimes physically removing yourself from a situation will help maintain boundaries. You can replenish physically, emotionally, and spiritually after you have given to your limit, as Jesus often did." 

 

Day by day, the longer I am here...I feel that happening slowly but surely. Later in the text I read,

"The Bible urges us to separate from those who continue to hurt us and to create a safe space for ourselves. Removing yourself from the situation will also cause the one who is left behind to experience a loss of fellowship that may lead to changed behavior."

 

Wow.

 

There are so many thing that I've held inside of me, that are still patiently waiting to be processed through my writing. Things that I've held on to since 2008. So now, slowly but surely, I will pour it onto the page.

 

Welcome to my inner world.

 

Most Sincerely

 

Just Me...Monica Marie 

 

Beautiful Minds

Beautiful Minds...
...Much like jazz... they have no rhythm or no rhyme

Unexpected improv patterns
Impromptu peaks, plateaus and valleys

I even dig the darkest places
Like cognac and live blues in sexy night spot spaces

Tucked into a cozy booth
Where shadows hide your inner truth

Thoughts come in waves of depth and intensity
Much like the soul stirring bass of R&B

And ideas come and go in droves
Few settle in to make themselves at home

Yeah, your mind is like sweet music
And I love the way you use it

Not of sound mind some might say
But I love all of the sounds you play

An infinitely intelligent instrument
Playing wisdom and words and wondrous whit

I see you...
And I get you
Unlike most mere mortals do

I hear you... mentally
No need to explain verbally

Beautiful... dangerously
Exuding and executing creative mastery

I'm so attracted to your mind that I can't get you out of mine...

Perhaps because your mind is a reflection of my own
And seeing how you think let's me know I'm not alone.

Runaway Bride

So...I could be married by now...If I wanted to be...but I can't help but wonder if the hold up is me...

"I would be patient, kind, faithful and true...to a man who loves music, a man who loves art, respects the spirit world, and thinks with his heart..."

I heard these India Arie lyrics today (from her song, I am Ready for Love) and I thought, "Yeah, that's all I need to make me want to settle down..." But is that REALLY my truth?

Well, the truth is that if I TRULY wanted to be married by now...I could be... My last two official boyfriends (I had a few complicated situations in between) had rings on the lay away...but I left both of them...because I messed up. See, we always think that it's the man who is the "dog" and the woman who is the victim...but that's not always the case. Am I a runaway bride? I just run before the engagement or proposal actually happens...

People, men in particular, always ask me, "WHY are you still single?" or, "WHY aren't YOU married?"  My answer always USED to be, "Because boys are stupid!" LOL. But after a few conversations from some of my male friends that are in relationships, my answer has recently shifted to... "Because boys are stupid, and the good ones are with stupid women!"

You see, it seems as if, when we have something good, we take it for granted. It seems to be very difficult for us all to cherish a good thing when we have it. Why is that?

I was listening/watching the On the Go with Tiffany Patton radio show today on Urban Nation Radio. Her guest, Author Linda Dominique Grosvenor-Holland, said a couple of things that resonated with me...

"There is someone that is designed to plug into your purpose in life."  That's what she had to say about soul mates. Do you believe in soul mates?

She also said, "BE what you desire in a mate."

SIGH.

So now, as of the month of August, I have just been focusing on loving me as hard as I love on everyone else, especially those that I am in a relationship...or situationship with...

Everyone says that loving yourself first, and best, is the key to a healthy and lasting relationship...so I guess I should finally, TRULY give that a try huh? So, that's why I have dubbed August, my #SummerLoveTour...the month where I focus on me and everything that I love, and loving on me as hard as I love on everyone else. Believe it or not, it's easier said than done...but I'm giving it my best try. :)

So we shall see how it all pans out.

In the meantime I'm having a whole lot of fun surrounding myself with people and things that intrigue me...and it feel SO good. I am on a natural high every day.

Perhaps soon, I will find the love of my live, but in the meantime, that love is ME. :)

Finding Balance: Love Versus Life

Sometimes when we find love, we lose ourselves.   We meet that amazing individual and before we even know what hit us we have suddenly disappeared inside of a serious relationship.  We disappear because we have begun to neglect our friends, our professional business, our family and often times even our health.  Ladies, think about your last long term relationship?  How did it affect your weight?  I know for me, I tend to gain ten to forty extra pounds when I settle down because we spend so much time eating and laying around enjoying each others company that any focus on fitness seems to fly out of the window. Ultimately, we get to a point where we struggle to find a balance between the love and living a healthy and productive life as an individual.

 I’ve always had a hard time with this, but I came to realize that much of the problem was that I hadn’t taken a good enough amount of time to know, love and commit to myself.  As a result, it was easy to pour all of my love into someone else.  Now that I have taken the time to love me first, I’ve found that I love others in a far more health way.  Even still, a new challenge has risen to the surface.  In an effort to avoid backtracking or resorting to my old ways, I found myself avoiding relationships altogether.  I tried to convince myself that I just wanted to be single so that I wouldn’t risk falling into that same unbalanced pattern again.  Just when all of these jumbled and confusing thoughts threatened to overwhelm and consume me, I took a break from my hectic existence to watch the movie, “Eat Pray Love.”

In the movie, based on the book by the same name, a woman my age finds herself in the midst of a marriage and a life that is no longer fulfilling. In an attempt to find her joy, she leaves all that she knows for a year and takes a journey of self-discovery.  On that journey she focuses on learning and loving herself by placing herself in new environments with new people and spending a lot of time in prayer and meditation.  As she nears the end of her journey, love finds her and initially she runs from it feeling that it might cause her to lose that balance that she worked so hard to attain.

Just when she is prepared to walk away from the love, a wise teacher that she met along the way reminds her that "losing balance for love is a part of living a balanced life." In all of our struggles to get it all right and to have it all figured out,... let's not lose sight of what's really important…Love.

Beautiful Monster

I can only breathe you in moderation

Your very essence emits a mysterious mist that leads to utter intoxication

Get away from me…

You put my ability to control myself in jeopardy

I might just take you and make you mine eternally

I don’t want to like you...

I’ve already read that story

I know that it ends in a dangerous territory

You are breaking all of the rules…

We’re supposed to be friends, just really cool

To want anything more would make me a fool

You’re going to make me love you…

Wait…I already do

Just Venting...

You ever feel the need to vent?  Sometimes, I feel like if I don't get my thoughts or feelings out...I'll explode! They may be wrong, they may be negative, but how can we not feel?  I've tried it several times, tried to shut down, block out, build walls...but ultimately feelings prevail!  I have tons and tons of journals which hold my random rants but I think I'll begin to vent for all the world to see, because perhaps someone can relate...

Why do we spend so much time doing things that we don't want to do?  We put the feelings, wants, needs of others before our own..then we find ourselves upset when they don't reciprocate. Why should they?  It was our conscious choice to place our happiness, our joy, our time in their hands. They didn't ask for it, they didn't take it...we gave it willingly.  So why then is it that we are shocked or devastated when they move on or treat us far from less than the best?

It all boils down to the value that we place on ourselves.  I've learned that the only person that can really treat you how you want to be treated is YOU.  You know what you like, you know what you love...you have to look at yourself in the mirror everyday..so why not be the one to show everyone else how it's done.

Now I'm done. For now....not sure if it made any sense...but I just had to get it off of my chest.

Disclaimer:  I guess you think this blog is about you? Don't you? Don't you? Don't You? (Remember Janet's song? LOL)  Well it's not.  It's just something that was on my heart...it may not even have been for me....it might have just been something that I was meant to write for someone else.

Holding On To Hope...Hoping to Hold On

Am I holding on to hopelessness?
Making you out to be something that even you can’t see?

It’s not you…it’s me
Trying to make you into what I want you to be

When all that you can be is you
And until you are ready, there’s really nothing I can do
To make you want to stay
The tighter I hold on, the more you pull away

The only way to have you, may be to let you go
So we can have the space and time that we both need to grow

Intoxication (A Poem)

Your presence is intoxicating

A natural high so stimulating

I can only experience you in moderation

If we continue to be so close

I might overdose

You are my sweet release

My place of peace

Something so good can’t be safe

Tiny increments are all that I can take

Small portions…I can only take a taste

I must pace myself…there’s no need for haste

I’m always left wanting more

Every time that you leave I press my ear, my face, my hand…my heart against the door

In the morning I open my eyes in anticipation of seeing your face

Instead a hangover looms in your place

Hung over from taking in too much of you

You’re like a habit I can’t shake..one hit turns into two

Intoxication…inebriation…I don’t know what to call it

All I know is that I can’t wait for the next installment

He's Just Not That Into You: Our Point of View

Those of you that know me well know that I love to write and talk about love, relationships and men. This past weekend my girlfriends and I got together and had a dialogue with some gentlemen on several related subjects. The question was posed, “How do you know when a guy is just not that into you?” There’s already been a book and a movie released on the subject, but we wanted to hear it straight from the mouths of the type of men that we encounter every day. Here is what they had to say…

A man is just not that into you if…

1. He doesn’t call or text you. Of course, men who have careers or are involved with their community may very well be busy. But the truth of the matter is that everyone usually makes time for what or who they are interested in, no matter how busy their schedule is.

2. You are a 7 or higher and he still doesn’t make time for you. We usually rate people on a scale of 1 to 10 based upon looks, personality and an array of other factors, with 10 being the highest score. Thus, anything in the range of 7 or higher is quite favorable. So the point here is that if you’ve got it going on and he STILL doesn’t make you a priority…He’s just not that into you.

3. Excuses. This one is rather self explanatory. If he’s constantly making excuses as to why he cannot spend time with you…He’s just not that into you.

4. He doesn’t return your calls or text messages within thirty minutes to an hour. This is a tricky one because I know that there are times when a man may be in a meeting, or performing on stage, or doing something that lasts longer than an hour where they may not be able to get away to return your call. But for the most part, if his failure to return your call or text within that time frame happens more often than not…He’s just not that into you.


5. He does not ask about or is not concerned about your personal life. When someone is interested in you, it is also extremely highly likely that they are interested in the things that are going on with your life. Things such as your career, your family, how you are feeling, what you are doing and the like. If he never asks questions about your personal life, or shows little to no interest when you share things about yourself…He’s just not that into you.

These five points are based upon the opinions of those that were involved in the conversation, but you must admit that overall, they make a whole lot of sense. I’d love to hear your thoughts about the existing points or other red flags that you’d like to add to this list. We will discuss what to do (and what not to do) when he’s just not that into you in a follow up blog.

The Power Couple

In this day and age where the divorce rate is high and the chances of finding that one true love seem to be low, the power couple still prevails. What does it take to be a power couple? Who comes to mind?

Our President and First Lady are definitely the poster children for the perfect power couple. Each of them has created their own solid presence as individuals yet they are an even stronger brand as a team. With any team that has been dubbed a power couple, autonomy is key. Autonomy is defined as a strong sense of self or independence. For instance, if my man is often known and referred to as, Monica Marie Jones' boyfriend then that relationship would not be what I consider as power couple. Each party in the couple should have a distinct and unique identity of their own.

Another component to being a successful power couple is to be intentional about planning for quality time in the midst of the cooperative hustle and grind. A power couple must know how to have a balance between romance and business. Even President Barack and First Lady Michelle Obama have a specified date night as well as an alternate night if the scheduled night has to be missed for any reason.

Next, an ideal power couple must have the capacity for what actors and actresses refer to as give and take. This means that they complement one another perfectly. One party should have strengths in areas that prove to be a challenge for the other.

When it comes to the woman in the relationship a phrase that is often used in hip hop culture comes to mind. “A ride or die chick”. This essentially means that the woman supports her man and has his back no matter what.

On the flip side, Destiny's Child said it best when they sung, "I need a soldier, someone who can stand up for me…" I might speak for myself when I say that I love a man that makes me feel protected, taken care of and that would go to war for me if need be, but I'm sure that there are many other women out there that would agree.

There are countless other traits and characteristics that define a modern day power couple, but autonomy, give and take, intentionally planning for quality time in the midst of the cooperative hustle and being that ride or die chick or that soldier are pertinent. What do you think it takes to make the perfect power couple?

Emotional Exploration

What do you consider as cheating on your mate? A kiss or other physical act shared with someone else is usually the first thing that comes to mind. But what about your significant other connecting with another person on a deeper level? Is that acceptable as long as they don't sleep with someone else?

What would you rather: another man or woman having your spouse or partner's body... or their heart?

Emotional exploration is a term that I heard used on my favorite station, Oprah Radio. It’s the idea that although one may not be stepping out physically they are instead making a connection to someone else emotionally.

You open yourself up to emotional exploration when you spend quality time, usually in the form of in depth conversation, forming a bond that is beyond friendship which hovers in the realm of attraction.

Society as a whole has become so desensitized to the act of sex that often times it holds no sacred or sentimental value. Hence when a man or woman cheats and says, "It was just sex, she (or he) didn't mean anything to me." They probably really mean it.

So now it seems that the real trouble lies in your lover making that deeper connection with another.

What do you consider cheating? What would you choose…physical deception or emotional exploration?